Russian jokes translated to English

It is spring. The man comes through sunny green field smiling to green grass and shiny sun. He comes to the birch grove and sees the little girl who is hanging on the birch biting birch branch.
- What are you doing, girl?
- D-d-drinking j-juice.

Beautiful morning. Glade full of flowers. Sun is rising. Birds are singing. Lieutenant Rzhevsky comes out of the white tent, his underwear is snowwhite. He looks around, raises his hands and shouts.
- God, how could I live before and didn't notice such a beauty!
- Fuck, fuck, fuck - answered accustomed echo.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky at party talked to Natasha Rostova but suddenly asked to excuse him and went out. When he was back he was all wet.
- It is raining outdoors?
- No, it is windy.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky with young countess walking around the park.
- Lieutenant, do you like children?
- Not really. But process..

- Do you know why programmers put two glasses to the bed-side table when they go to sleep?
- Why?
- Glass of water in case they will become thirsty and empty one in case they won't.

The Good Trade...

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.